Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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