So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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