I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
