Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
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I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
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Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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