Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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