I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
