I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
