I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
