yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
