She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
