So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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