Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
