I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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