i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
