if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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