this beer tastes like vomit already
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Randomize
