Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
