I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think people are normalizing furries
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
