I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
