His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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