what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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