those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If I die, sorry about rent.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
