Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
