so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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