I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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