best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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