Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
