Swine flu. Run for my life!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
