my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Randomize
