Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
