Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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