I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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