I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
