I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
