im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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