A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
