I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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