If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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