The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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