dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The power of my boobs compel you
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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