If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
