well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
