i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
