we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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