she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
