i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
