I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
