Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
