Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
