imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
They took my balls.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
