I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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