I think i sorta joined a cult last night
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
