apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
