you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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