two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
