my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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