I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i think i have herpe
just one?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Pooping to opera.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
