I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
