you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
